Being isolated or connected

Some changes come on us quickly some more slowly, some imperceptibly. Here’s one that has been happening more slowly but we most of us probably know about it. I was reading a report that face-to-face contact between people in the UK has fallen by two-thirds over the last two decades, while the time spent in front of the TV or electronic medium has doubled, that young children spend more time in front of said media than doing anything else and that in general our interactions with one another are in decline.

The point that can get overlooked is how important human contact with one another is. As the same article points out, loneliness can be as fatal as smoking or obesity. General unhappiness is a powerful contributor to illness. Laughter, a key aspect of social interaction, by contrast releases positive endorphins and raises well-being.

Have you ever seen the effect on a small infant of prolonged separation from its parents? There is a deadness in the eyes. Like the life has gone out of them.

Isolating ourselves from others, absorbing ourselves in our technology can have a powerful draw. It becomes a habit and is also addictive. How long can you go without looking at your e-mails? Admittedly that is electronic contact but what I’m writing about here is physical contact, being with another person, the human need for affiliation, relationship.

Martin Seligman, the leading proponent of Positive Psychology, argues that there are three key influencers on happiness, one of which is engagement, the others being pleasure and meaning. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs states that one major need is for social contact, the third most important precondition after physical survival and security.

A social health check might be useful here. How far am I allowing myself to be separate from others? This might be a particularly awkward question for those of you who are not in a relationship or who are living alone. And you might be feeling relieved right now to have got away from someone. People can be in relationship and still feel very alone. It can be people’s life experience that there is never anybody there for them and that for them to feel OK they need to live in some kind of detached way.

Living in one’s own space, separate from others is a feature of today’s society. We don’t do community very well.

Isolation and disconnection is a separation ultimately from ourselves, from who we are. It is linked with fear, fear of abandonment, of not being loved, of no one being there for us. It is a fundamental early childhood experience, the severance of the interpersonal bridge. It is a very human dilemma. And we all have to find a way back across the bridge for ourselves in some way.

Staying isolated is a way of enabling us to feel OK with ourselves. But what are we actually running away from?

And it can be insidiously habit-forming, which is why it is so important to carry out a personal social health check. Is this becoming too pronounced? What should I be doing to maintain or re-establish my contact with others? It might need an effort to get out there so to speak and meet up with others, see friends, spend time in a group, re-connect with old contacts or make new ones.

Being alone with yourself, as a pattern which does not serve you, is one that develops slowly – as well as quickly in say the case of a separation. You may find yourself having to make the effort to do something about it. And personal change usually requires effort.

If you are in this situation, and you want to do something about it, how do you want to start? Here’s one to think about. Who do you know who would really appreciate a call from you? When you have finished reading this, do yourself a favour and call them. Call them with the total intention of communicating your love for them at some level. Hold that in your heart. Have it be present in your awareness. They will get the energy of that. Communicating our basic love for others lies at the heart of our interactions with others, our caring for them, our empathy, our compassion. Pure giving. Unconditional. With no expectation of reward or anything back.

Because love is what it is all about in the end.